Difficult relationship with my mother: she is offended, I am nervous. Difficult relationship with mother Very difficult relationship with mother

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! I am 26 years old. I am married and have a five-year-old daughter. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. She gave birth to me at 38 years old. At that time, I was not married to my father, so that if something happened there would be no problems with divorce. She had a difficult divorce process from her first husband. She gave birth to me for herself, because I was already approaching age and my grandmother said that I needed to give birth so as not to be alone in old age. My father cheated on her and they separated before I was born. She did not file for child support and was considered a single mother. I have never seen my father until now. When I was 1.3, my mother went to work and until I was 7.5 I lived with my grandmother in the village. Mom visited us only on weekends. I always cried a lot when she left and waited all week for the next weekend. Mom said that she was renovating the apartment and couldn’t pick me up. When I went to school she picked me up. And from that moment on it was not the best time for me. My mother always put pressure on me for my grades; I scolded me for getting 4s and was dissatisfied; For five with a minus she said that it was possible to get five. She often snapped at me over literally nothing. Already in first grade, I knew how hard it was to kneel on salt. I knew that a narrow belt beats more painfully than a wide one. Having received a bad grade, I simply didn’t want to go home, because I knew what would happen. Then, after six months or a year, my mother began to teach me to wash dishes and clean the apartment. It was terrible. Coming home from work and seeing a clean apartment, she first praised me, but when she found the slightest flaw in the cleaning, she began to say that she had cleaned poorly. Often it came to a scandal. I did the homework myself. My mother didn’t help me, she only checked on me, and then only in elementary school. She often shouted at me. I loved reading several hour-long morals while cleaning or washing dishes, while simultaneously telling me what was wrong with my plate. I said, do it right, as I taught you. At that moment, out of fear, I didn’t know where to go. In the summer I went to my grandmother. There she helped her in the garden and around the house. Sometimes I went out with friends. I didn’t have any friends in the city - I was always studying. And there wasn’t much communication in the class either. I was withdrawn and always felt worse than everyone else. In the seventh grade, my mother said that after school we needed to go to the village to see our grandmother, since she was old and had high blood pressure. Every day after school I went to my grandmother on foot (about 3-4 km), did my homework, returned to the city in the morning and went to school, barely having time to change clothes and eat. Always like this. Mom's dissatisfaction grew with me. Gradually, she began not only to scold me and beat me, but also to insult me ​​with not the best words (cow, beast, creature). Sometimes the words were stronger. In spring and autumn, in addition to studying, I also worked in the garden. And everything had to be combined in time. But I tried my best, I understood that it was hard for my mother and she needed help. In 9th grade, my grandmother died and my life got worse. Mom began to snap at me even more often. She said that now no one will help her and will not regret it. And that I am of no use. I always said that the children help the neighbors more and everyone around is normal, but I’m like who the hell knows. My favorite expression was: “Children are a joy to everyone, but they’re disgusting to me,” “I gave birth to you so that there would be at least some help from you, and you...”. Although I helped her a lot, the neighbors always sympathized with me. I always spent all my summer holidays in the village, doing my mother’s tasks around the house and in the garden. She praised me, but only when I did everything perfectly. If I didn’t do something or did something wrong, I received it. Every day when she came home from work, everything inside me began to shrink and some kind of heat passed through my body. I always knew what would happen to me. I didn’t know why, but I knew for sure that it would hit me. We never walked anywhere with her, we were only at home or in the garden. Money was also difficult. I had practically no clothes. It happened that I wore one jacket and one pants for a whole year. She refused alimony on principle. I graduated from school with a medal and entered a prestigious university in another city. Mom was proud of it. I came home rarely, once a month. And only because it was necessary. I never wanted to come home. During the first month of my first year, everyone complained about how bad it was without my mother, but I was just fine. In my second year, I met a guy, my future husband. I only told my mom a year later. She, thank God, took it well. At the end of the 3rd year he proposed to me. At first my mother was against it and said that I needed to finish my studies. But then she still agreed. In my 4th year I became pregnant. The child was planned, not by chance. But I was in no hurry to tell my mother. Then my husband called and told his mother. At his words, my mother started yelling that she should have used condoms and all that. Then she told me how I could not tell her that she was my mother and everything like that. Then she calmed down. When the child was born, the husband was not around. He was forced to leave. My mother did not help me with the child. Even on the first day after the maternity hospital, she went to the village, since she had business there. I didn’t ask for help, I did everything myself. Then my mother made further complaints about why I didn’t come to the village and help her. She said that she would help with the child only if I moved in with her. But it was easier for me to be alone than with her under the same roof. Then my husband and I moved to another country. We called my mother once a week. But every month it became more and more difficult for me to communicate with her once a week; sometimes I didn’t want to communicate at all. When I told her something good about our life, it was noticeable that she did not want to hear it. And when I once complained about difficulties, my mother replied that I had chosen all this myself. I try not to complain to her anymore. Now we correspond on the Internet, sometimes we call each other. But even just writing to me is hard. It takes several days to get ready to write a message. In messages, my mother always writes how bad she feels alone, how unhappy she is. In general, she was dissatisfied with everything in her life, and now I have left her. She doesn't like it, sometimes she even expresses it to me. She says that children always come to other people, but she is alone. I've been thinking about this situation often over the last year. On the one hand I have feelings of hatred towards her, and on the other hand I have feelings of pity and guilt. Recently I wrote to her that it was hard for me to live like this and why she did this to me. She said that she knew that she was a bad mother, and that she would always bear this cross. She asked to forgive her. She even wrote that she would kill herself. I had to calm her down. Now it’s very difficult for me to live and at the same time hate her and blame myself for leaving for another country. I help her financially to the best of my ability. But I don’t want to communicate at all. I don't even like it when she touches me. This all worries me very much. Constant thoughts depress me more and more every day. I don’t know how to cope with this contradiction and take one side. Help me please!

Psychologist Svetlana Viktorovna Bashtynskaya answers the question.

Victoria, hello!

I really feel how your relationship with your mother is driving you into a spiritual impasse. All your life you have been taking care of your mother, and now, when you have begun to live your own separate life, it is as if you do not have the right to this, a feeling of guilt arises in you, which continues to be supported and nurtured by her.

What happened to you as a child is outrageous. You, a little girl, were placed with inadequate and excessive demands, excessive responsibility, and you were not given the opportunity to be a child. You had to grow up early and constantly control yourself. You have learned to be careful and keep your head down, to do everything according to the rules. And there was no way to behave differently in that situation, you survived and adapted to these harsh conditions, you were on alert all the time, otherwise the person closest to you at that time could insult, humiliate you, or even hit you. And for little Vika, that life was full of pain and fear, and now, your inner girl remembers all this, these feelings stayed with her and affect how you live now, what you feel and think.

I admire your strength, how you dealt with all of this, and how you were able to separate yourself and start moving on your own path.

To me, your relationship with your mother looks distorted, upside down. It's like you have to act as a parent to them. And on her part, you are required to maintain her peace of mind, accept her mistakes, while she does not want to hear what is happening to you.

Honestly, I was very indignant when reading the letter - your mother gave birth to you for herself, and did not hide it, did not take you into account as a person, she was not interested in your needs and desires, and is still not interested. Everything should revolve around her. And how dare you still leave and take care of your own life?!

The fact that it’s difficult for you to communicate with her now is absolutely normal and natural. How could it be otherwise? Where can the desire to share intimate things and the desire for physical contact come from, if for most of my life this was either ignored, or subjected to merciless criticism, or could even be dangerous to health. With all this, you do not abandon her, you help her financially as much as you can.

Now you can take the distance in your relationship with your mother that is comfortable for you. You can take care of yourself and your family first.

And if you want to deal with this contradiction, which does not allow you to breathe freely, even at a great distance from your mother, then it is important to allow yourself to express your feelings towards her. And they will be different: love, hatred, anger, pain, resentment, sadness. You have the right to all these experiences. Separate your feelings and expectations from the feelings and expectations of your mother, which you absorbed as a child. Learn to support yourself and allow yourself to enjoy life and the fact that you move your own way, make mistakes and do things “imperfectly”. I see a lot of strength and courage in you.

Victoria, if you need support or advice, you can always write to me by email. Sincerely, Svetlana Bashtynskaya

4.5 Rating 4.50 (12 Votes)

Why the connection between the two closest people turns out to be not even ambivalent, but polyvalent, argues psychologist Ekaterina Ignatova.

Once upon a time you were one with her, you lived in her belly for nine months, enjoying symbiosis and total acceptance. Then she was born: the obstetrician slapped you on the bottom, you began to breathe and mourn the loss of that state in which there was no loneliness. Thus began the separation from your mother - the process in which your character was formed. Through her actions or inaction, your mother influenced your personality and future destiny. It was from her that you learned what love is. If she was warm and accepting, you concluded that love and intimacy were safe. If she was cold and inattentive, she decided that intimacy was a very risky adventure. She told you what you were like, and you believed her unconditionally.

“Nice and neat” or “sloppy and restless” - these definitions turned out to be carved into the granite of our unconscious. In adolescence, many tried to amend these statements, but not a single eraser can erase what is carved in granite. Later, we began to discuss more calmly with my mother, defend our point of view, and often disagree. However, no matter what they say, no matter how they behave, both at thirty and at forty we unconsciously want to achieve her attention and approval or prove the right to our own opinion, to be heard and understood.

The process of separation from the mother begins simultaneously
with our birth and lasts much longer than it might seem at first glance. You can get married, give birth to your own children, move for permanent residence to another continent and still remain connected to her by an invisible umbilical cord. And we are not talking about love, intimacy and gratitude to the person who gave us life. This invisible thread is woven from grievances, claims and misunderstandings. Every mother loves her child, and not one of them can give him exactly what he would like. An acceptance that existed for the first nine months of his life. This impossibility gives rise to painful sensations that psychoanalysts call narcissistic injury. Moreover, many mothers often end up bankrupt. Tired, unsure of themselves, anxious, they want, but cannot, be a support - neither for themselves nor for their daughters.
Real separation and growing up, which is not associated with reaching puberty, issuing a certificate or receiving a stamp in a passport, begins with an attempt to understand your parents, to see them as people, with their strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, accepting your mother is not always easy, but only by doing this can you truly accept yourself and not repeat her mistakes.

LOVE-RESULT
Lena began reading at the age of three, adding and subtracting at four, and at five she went to music school, where she became an excellent student and a star. Mom always admired her talents and told everyone how smart her daughter was. The ideal picture began to fade the moment Lena graduated from school - the girl entered the university, where she barely passed exams with C grades, moved out from her parents to the first man she came across with an apartment, soon married him, gave birth to a child and settled at home. No one could understand how this smart and talented girl from such a wonderful family could choose such a ridiculous fate for herself. And why she was talking to her mother through clenched teeth was also unclear. After all, she did everything for her. Hand on heart, Lena herself could not figure out her motives. To find answers to her questions, she turned to a psychotherapist for help. During consultations, she talked about her childhood, about her mother, who constantly sat in the next room and read. That she always lacked simple human attention. And that the parents were only puzzled by what other group to enroll their child in. Lenin's mother realized her own ambitions through her daughter, while completely ignoring the girl's needs. She saw in Lena her improved copy or, in psychoanalytic language, her narcissistic extension. Having grown up, Lena chose a very strange way to prove her right to individuality - she went on strike. She tried in vain to get from her parents the unconditional acceptance that she so lacked as a child.
Insecure and at the same time ambitious mothers do not know what they are doing. Without noticing the needs and characteristics of their own child, they provoke the emergence of severe resentment in him. The lack of acceptance with which they treat their little daughter ricochets back years later. Growing up, girls refuse to visit their parents on weekends and talk to them through their lips. The feeling of resentment turns out to be soldered into love, and it is possible to separate these feelings only by finding yourself in a psychologist’s office.

LOVE-JEALOUSY
Alice was the second child in the family. When she was born, her older sister Marina was already learning Chopin. And this is in the second grade of music school! The parents began to nurture the young talent, and Alice was raised according to the residual principle. She tried to compete with her sister, but nothing worked out. The handicap was too great. Alice was not angry, she accepted the situation as it was. More precisely, she repressed anger and jealousy by doing what she did well: helping her mother with cooking and cleaning. Then life put everything in its place - the talented Marina, having graduated from the conservatory, married an alcoholic, quit the orchestra in which she played, gave birth to a child and buried her hopes of winning the Tchaikovsky competition. Alice, unexpectedly for everyone, made a career in show business - however, as a director and administrator. We must pay tribute to my mother: having realized her mistakes, she asked Alice for forgiveness. True, it's a little late. By that time, my daughter had turned 35, and her whole life was subordinated to the idea of ​​proving her own usefulness.
Even with irrefutable evidence of their success, unloved daughters feel insecure. They walk through life wearing T-shirts invisible to the eye with the inscription “Number Two.” If they don't wash it, they bring their mother back to them - they take on the solution to all her problems, provide financial and moral support. And having received a precious prize, they don’t really know how to use it. Secret jealousy, anger and resentment do not allow you to fully enjoy the victory. Awareness and reliving of these negative feelings, liberation from them can make it possible to build a warm and close relationship with the one who once made such a mistake by confusing the process of raising children with playing at the racetrack.

LOVE-DENIAL
Olya said all her life: “I am daddy’s daughter.” As a child, she complained that her mother did not know how to play, and as a teenager she claimed that her mother was a boring person. Her whole life was subordinated to the principle: listen to your mother and do the opposite. Mother was a physicist - Olya became a lyricist, mother loved to cook - Olya could only cook a sandwich and scrambled eggs, mother got married early - Olya changed men like gloves. Her daughter spoke to her exclusively in a jokingly dismissive tone.
By thirty-three, the number of Olya’s gentlemen had somehow decreased sharply; she began to visit home more often and take an interest in pasta recipes.
If a girl went to a psychotherapist, she would find out that girls adopt the life script from their mother, more or less repeating her behavior patterns and partly their fate. Convinced daddy's daughters, as a rule, follow the anti-script, that is, they try to do everything differently from their mother. However, our unconscious does not suspect
about the existence of the particle “not” and transforms the program “not like mom” into “just like mom.” Sooner or later, daddy's girls come to what they were running from. For example, they become boring and homely. Moreover, the more they resemble their own mother, the more irritation she causes in them. In order not to step on this rake, it is very important to be not against someone, but for something. Teenage rebellion and denial are very important to turn
to a peaceful rally with positive slogans. Then and only then can you become yourself and at the same time come to an agreement with your mother.

LOVE-DISTRUST
Katya's mother was a bright, emotional, contradictory woman. She liked to perform various kinds of performances; there were always many guests in their house. She could hug her three-year-old daughter, and then make scary faces and pretend to be Baba Yaga. She could praise Katya in front of guests, and then tell some funny story, from which it clearly followed: her daughter is a rather absurd creature. In general, the girl lived like on a volcano, never knowing what to expect from her mother. At the age of six, she decided not to share anything secret with her. When Katerina turned 15, she began to spend most of her time with friends, and at 18 she ran away from home to her boyfriend. Mom wondered why her beloved child treated her so cruelly. The child tried to call home as little as possible.
Mothers who convey double messages to their little daughters usually receive a distant, formal attitude in return. This does not mean that they become indifferent to their grown-up girls, no. They're just afraid to shorten the distance and get punched in the gut again. “Controversial” mothers, of course, know ways to trick their daughters into emotions: from time to time, completely unexpectedly, they attack them with reproach or, conversely, inappropriate affection, hit the emotional jackpot and retreat.

LOVE IS WINE
Throughout Masha’s childhood, her mother worked three jobs - her father was a research assistant, and in those days it was impossible to survive on his salary. The woman had no time or energy left for calf tenderness and attention to children. At some point, my father was offered to work abroad, but it was time for Masha to go to school, and for her older brother to go to college, and the parents refused the tempting offer. When the girl finished school, her mother hired the best tutors. There were no longer three jobs, but one, but that didn’t make things much easier - mom rarely came home before nine in the evening. Masha entered on a budget, graduated from college with honors and very quickly found a job in a good company. Now he and his brother covered most of the family budget. Of course, Masha could not give half her salary to her parents, but rent an apartment and start living separately, as she had long wanted. But she felt obligated to help them just as they had once helped her. And deny yourself in much the same way as mom and dad did back in the day.

Masha found herself tied to her parents not with threads, but with ropes. For many years, the mother shifted responsibility for her failures onto her daughter and cultivated in her a sense of duty and guilt. Having consulted with a psychotherapist, she returned to her childhood feeling of uselessness and realized the fact that she was now trying to prove her usefulness to her mother and exchange the “debt” for freedom. But since she indirectly accused Masha of the fact that because of her she and her father had lost certain opportunities that were given only once, her daughter had no choice but to repay the favor. That is, to give up the maximum number of opportunities - read, from your own full life. At some point, Masha fiercely hated her mother and began to explain all her problems by the fact that she was raised incorrectly. The path to realizing that as adults we ourselves are responsible for our victories and defeats turned out to be thorny.
You can put an end to this painful game only by leaving the paradigm of guilt and starting a conversation with yourself and your mother in terms of responsibility. At the same moment it will become clear: it is impossible to win a senseless and merciless war - a conflict with mom. While the fight lasts, both sides only lose.

Mom has always been the head of the family. She has the final say, she makes the decisions. Dad is on his own, doesn’t really interfere or delve into anything. We were brought up strictly. Mom always tried to force me into the framework of her ideas about a “good girl.” Since childhood, my sister and I have been different. I climbed trees and roofs, jumped off stairs, rolled on railings, rolled in the snow, tore my clothes. And my sister was always neat and calm, she told my mother about my misdeeds, about my girlfriends - she told my mother EVERYTHING. And to myself too, of course. And I gradually lost trust - first in my sister, and then in my mother. Mom also didn't know how to keep my secrets. She immediately told everything to their sister, dad, and relatives. Even when I had my first menstruation, my mother announced it in front of all our relatives when we were visiting my grandmother. How ashamed I was then! And I learned to be secretive, learned to meet my mother’s demands. I was an outcast at school. We didn’t live well; my mother sewed and altered a lot of clothes herself. I didn’t like wearing what my mother chose, and I was afraid to ask for the thing I liked. My peers had beautiful notebooks with pictures and backpacks, and I carried oilskin notebooks and women’s briefcases bought by my mother. Nail polish and cosmetics were an unattainable dream for me. Mom didn’t forbid using them, but I never had the money (only for a pie in the dining room) to buy it myself. In addition, I was afraid that my mother would not approve of the purchase. I bought my first jeans when I was 16 years old. Later, if I bought something, I tried, if possible, not to show it to my mother. And now I don’t say it again, lest my mother say that it’s expensive, stupid, inconvenient, or why spend money on it at all. In class I felt like an ugly duckling, and in my relationships with the guys I was an insecure girl. At school, college, and institute, I was an excellent student. At school they despised him for this and considered him an upstart. When I entered college, I was surprised to note that I was respected here. I learned to communicate, I made friends, but studying was still a priority in my life. I am still very demanding of myself. It is important for me to always look good, I carefully monitor the order in the apartment, there is always something to eat at home, at work I am a very responsible and conscientious, successful employee. Conflicts with my mother began in adolescence. I tried to defend my opinion, my tastes, but my mother always condemned me, did not understand, said that I did not appreciate her care and formed a feeling of guilt in me. When I met my future husband, it was like a breath of fresh air, I felt that I could escape from under my mother’s oppression... I’ll immediately make a reservation that I didn’t run away from marriage, but got married out of great love and have loved this man for 10 years. I'm happy in my marriage. Mom always put the children first. She always lived for us. Over time, the center of her life shifted towards her sister. I carefully protected my world, my family from her invasion. The sister, on the contrary, lives in a close union with her mother. She calls her every day. When my sister and I exchanged our parents' apartment - mom and dad moved to my grandmother's - my parents gave most of the money to my sister. My husband and I had some money, and with these funds my mother equalized our shares with my sister so that we could buy equal apartments. When my sister was on maternity leave with her second child, every day in the evening my mother drove from work halfway across the city, picked her up from kindergarten and brought the eldest, although it was a 15-minute walk for my sister to get to kindergarten. Her eldest child, from the age of one and a half, spends all weekends and holidays with his mother and father. Now his mother takes him to the swimming pool in the center, which is next to his sister’s house. Mom comes specially so that her sister does not leave the house with her youngest. When my sister went to work after her second maternity leave, my mother retired to look after her youngest child. But by that time I had already been working for two years. And all this time I felt like a beggar when I asked my mother to sit with the child. Leaving him for the weekend or asking for help if my son is sick is my headache. We can leave the child only if the mother is not busy with her sister’s children. My mother-in-law is happy to help, but she lives far away, in the village. I feel rejected and in a humiliating position. My mother and I never talk about the current situation, we pretend that everything is OK, we talk about nothing. She is not interested in our life, work, friends. If earlier I tried to tell her something, then I was repulsed by her disapproving attitude towards my actions and the people around me. She could call my girlfriend “pushing” if I said that she goes to a nightclub or goes on vacation with friends in nature, in cities. She despises my wonderful boss because the person, due to legal nuances, cannot yet formalize me, etc. Then she completely stopped hearing and listening to me if I told her anything about work or friends. She could interrupt and talk about something else, or she really DIDN’T HEAR and at the same time discussed something else. Everything I tell my mother, my sister will find out in five minutes and vice versa. They are not bothered to immediately call me back and discuss, clarify my news. When I tried to protest against this as a child, my mother replied that we were one family and there was nothing to hide. What kind of openness are we talking about? Of course, my mother is offended that I don’t tell her anything. But how to talk to someone who does not want and cannot listen, cannot help but judge, and does not know how to store information? My sister’s customary attitude towards my mother infuriates me; I consider her a hypocrite and despise her. My sister doesn’t know how to listen in a conversation, she doesn’t let anyone talk, she constantly interrupts. She talks in front of everyone about the smallest unnecessary details of her life, the lives of her friends, her friends’ friends, her friends’ friends’ friends, etc. In everyday life, she is also not a very pleasant person: she can blow her nose loudly in front of everyone, drink water from the spout of a common jug, yell at her child, etc. Joint gatherings with parents are torture for my husband and me. But by the will of our mother, we must appear and serve the allotted time. If mom is offended or doesn’t like something, she will never say anything about it. She will purse her lips, remain silent, not call, and speak dryly and reservedly. This person never shows his emotions clearly. If at least once my mother openly expressed her attitude to what was happening to me, I would attack her with a flurry of accumulated feelings, because my patience is at its limit. But this is not the case. My husband is very worried, seeing that I am nervous and how my mood deteriorates every time I need to meet or ask my mother for something. I try not to see her and not call her again, only when necessary. I am only fulfilling my duty as a daughter by paying tribute to my parents. But resentment towards my mother eats away at me and undermines my strength. And my mother takes offense at me in response. Tell me how to work through and get rid of all this negativity? How can I make my relationship with my mother more positive, more fulfilling?

Hello! I really hope to receive your advice, since my current life situation does not give me peace day or night. I am 23 years old. My boyfriend is 28 years old. We are planning to move together from Belarus to St. Petersburg. We've been dating for a year now. He recently started working in St. Petersburg. I won’t tell you the whole love story, I’ll just say the most important thing: I love and trust this person very much, as I trust myself. At the moment I am finishing my studies at the institute and will receive my diploma in a month. The whole problem is that I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. This is not my first civil marriage. Then my mother cried for a very long time and became hysterical when I moved out. But I lived in my city... Mom is an incredibly stubborn, emotional and conflict-ridden person. When I tell her that I’m leaving my current job (my reasons), she loudly declares “no!” and for a week he reads morals to me: the job is good, you won’t find one like it anymore, you’ll work for a small salary. Remembering my childhood, I understand that I am a terribly insecure person, often unable to make any serious decisions on my own. Mom always decided everything: can I go to hobby groups (I can neither knit nor play sports), what I should eat (she forced me to eat), what to wear (if I liked something, but she didn’t - she will never buy this thing), who to study (an unloved profession and eight years wasted studying it). She can easily swear at me with choice obscenities, so much so that I sometimes cry from resentment. She believes that everything she read in the newspapers is true, and that my knowledge is childish babble. I was fat at school. A lot of my peers bullied me. All because I could never answer properly or fight back. The result is obvious - a lifelong complex about my body (although I’m not fat now). I wasn't a difficult child. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, there have only been two men in my life, and only after I was 18. I treat all people with tolerance, respect, and I don’t allow myself to offend anyone, much less say swear words. My friends and loved ones say that I am a good person. I cannot respond to rudeness and injustice. I endure it in silence, and then I cry and tell everything... to my mother... And my mother says - be patient, be silent, ignore... And now... I’m afraid to tell my mother about the move. And, it seems to me, I’m not only afraid of a scandal, but I also feel sorry for her... It’s so sad that my heart clench... I’m afraid of hurting her, I’m afraid of her resentment towards me and constant reproaches that I’m doing everything wrong . Most likely she will tell me that he should come to me, and not I to him, if I so want to be with him. I understand that now I’m going to go against her anyway, and this makes me feel bad... I’m starting to suffer from insomnia and uncertainty that I’m doing the right thing.... Feeling guilty for not listening to my mother and I do it my way.... My nerves are getting worse.... No, I don’t make scandals.... I just start crying quietly into the pillow. I shared my thoughts with my loved one. He told me that I decide how I should live, not my mother, and I need to fight this feeling of guilt within myself, because then I will hate my mother for the rest of my life. I understand the essence of my problem, but I can’t pull myself together and not succumb to my mother’s manipulations.... I’m very scared of losing my loved one because I choose my mother’s opinion. No, he won’t leave me if I change my mind, but I’m sure that his respect for me as a person will evaporate... In recent years, I’ve been sitting behind a locked door in my room. This is how I try to protect myself from my mother’s negativity. But this doesn’t help, on the contrary, it makes me think even more that I’m a bad daughter. I have to talk to her when she wants, and if she calls me and I’m busy at the time, which I report, I become a selfish bastard... Yes, there are glimpses of my “I” when I still do the wrong thing, as she wants. But I think it became clear to you what happens next... I would be grateful to you for reading my story. Perhaps your advice regarding the above will make me feel better. Thank you for your attention!

Hello! I have been gathering the courage for a long time to consult with specialists about my problem. The fact is that from early childhood I have had serious problems in my relationship with my mother. To begin with, our family was quite prosperous. We never lived poor. The house was in order and beautifully renovated. I didn’t need anything. A good school, beautiful clothes, a lot of toys. At first my mother was very involved with me. She taught me to read and draw. She tried to show me only good and instructive cartoons. Years before 5 everything was perfect. And then I realized, judging by the scandals and terrible scenes in our house, that mom and dad had a rift in their relationship. I saw my mom throwing a drunken tantrum while she was drinking. I was scared. I started having nightmares. Then I started having nightmares. began to raise their hand and not only their hand... dad and mom. Both. And with particular cruelty. I was 7 years old when my dad hit his head on mine on purpose. He just came up and hit me. My mother beat me with a thick belt and pulled out my hair. Over time, this became normal in our family. I am not a timid person, so I tried to stand up for myself as best I could. I hid so as not to be beaten, cried a lot. I tried a hundred times to have a heart-to-heart talk with my mother. But it was all in vain. She could control herself hands only for a while. Then we moved to live in another country. My grandmother was dying, and my mother looked after her. She lived in another city. And I lived with my dad for almost six months. But my dad had a mistress. He was busy with her. And I was All alone. In a strange city. No acquaintances. Dad was not at home all the time. It was a difficult time on the one hand, but on the other, no one touched or beat me. At that time I was studying and did not go out at all. Because I was scared. I I was a very insecure teenage girl. Then my mother came to us. My dad was torn. At home again, the scandals were just wild. With beatings and threats from my mother that she would commit suicide. I was just scared! That one day it will actually happen!

At the age of 17, I began to communicate with my future husband. But at first, uncertainty really bothered me. I didn’t have a very high opinion of my appearance. Because my mother called me fat-ass all the time. The last scene from my life with my parents was the last point. They both They were hungover. They asked me to go to the store for beer, but I refused. Because I was tired. I can’t stand my parents in this state. Whether I did something bad or good, I don’t care. I simply could not communicate with them. I was scared and even sick. Both parents, in front of their very decent friends, threw me onto the sofa. Mom hit me on the head, and dad kicked me... Then a miracle happened in my life. My beloved proposed to me and I agreed. He lived in Europe, and so I went after him. But it so happened that before I left it was just my birthday. Mom had a fight with me because I didn’t wash the dishes. And she and dad didn’t talk to me all my birthday. Dad came and threw me a banknote in my face, saying it was my gift. I didn’t take it. I got ready and went with my friends to a restaurant. Then I finally left. But I still hoped that at a distance my relationship with my dad and mom would improve at least a little. At first, yes. It was better. I even decided to go visit them myself. Everything was fine. But now again my mother started quarreling with me, and then didn’t talk for weeks. And dad, as always, is on mom’s side. Tell me if we have a chance to ever mend our relationship? And what should I do for this? And what am I doing wrong?