How to behave in order to live happily in marriage? Councils of psychologists. Life in love

Do you want to live happily with your beloved husband? Dreams of a strong and healthy family are common to all women, but many do not know the key points that make the house a place of love and well-being.

Secrets of peace and tranquility in the home

One of the main secrets of a strong relationship is joint business. Spending time together and enjoying each other sounds like commonplace advice, but it is what will strengthen and prolong happiness in your marriage, as well as give new meaning to your relationship.

Have fun spending time together. Get some exercise together, go for walks, find an activity that both of you enjoy. It's not so important what it will be, the main thing is that you both like it.

Look for a good laugh. Lovers of healthy laughter and good humor manage to maintain relationships longer. It is much easier to find a common point of view on any problem if you laugh at it enough and reduce the degree of feelings together.

Very often, families do not tend to say such polite phrases as “Thank you!” "Please !" " Bon appetit!, considering them formalities. But in fact, courtesy in the family is a kind of lubricant, thanks to which family life moves smoothly and easily.

A happy family is easy to recognize by the affectionate attitude of its members to each other. Gentle care is the main secret of peace and tranquility in the home. Surely you are trying your best to provide your husband and children with everything you need - clean clothes, hearty food, order in the house.

When you take care of the household, think about how you can do it more affectionately than usual. Invite households to dine not in an orderly tone (" Sit down, eat!"), But in a soft voice. Do not scold your children and your spouse, do not scold them for every T-shirt thrown on the floor, do not make scandals over trifles.

If you think that "otherwise nothing reaches them," consider a few tricks to get your family to keep order without using a shout or an offensive tone.

Many women, when asked how they manage to live happily with their husband, say that they have found a balance between working for the benefit of the family and taking care of themselves. To be honest, if you are an experienced wife and mother, then you know that a woman is forced to take care of herself while the rest are busy: her husband with earnings, children with growing up.

If you do not love yourself, you will soon lose strength and health. Loving yourself in this case means thinking about the future, because loved ones will always need your support, and for this you must be a healthy, strong, calm, self-confident woman.

How can a woman who devotes herself to marriage and home live happily ever after?

Find time to recuperate:

• eat right;
• get enough sleep;
• exercise;
• maintain appearance;
• chat with your friends.

These are the key points that give a woman the strength to live happily. Taking care of others is great, but don't forget to take care of yourself too.

How to live happily and richly

When people get married, people make a promise to each other to be together in wealth and in poverty, but at the same time, each quite understandably expects a more optimistic life option. To preserve existing blessings and achieve new ones, become a zealous housewife for your husband. This means taking practical steps, as well as working on yourself and relationships psychologically.

How to save your husband's money and energy:

• the funds that you both allocate for the needs of the family should be discussed: you have the right to know what will happen if, for example, you do not have enough money for food. Is this the last money or will the spouse be able to cover the extra costs? You must have a clear idea of ​​what your family can and cannot afford, otherwise it will be very difficult for you to manage finances in ignorance;
• men usually have little idea of ​​the expenses needed for the family, wife and children. Keep notes and ask your spouse to discuss them with you once a week or at the end of the month. He will have a clear idea of ​​\u200b\u200bexpenses, and both of you will save nerves from scandals based on money;
• entrust the husband with his direct responsibility - to purchase large volumes of food for the family. It is almost impossible for a wife to save on groceries if she constantly runs to the store to buy one or the other. You are required to find out where the purchase is cheaper and how to make the products last longer;
• to live richly, it is not necessary to bathe in luxury. Together with your husband, take care to have the best that you can afford, but not more expensive - so you will feel financial security and from time to time you can allow the family small holidays;
• a happy family should give up such expensive and bad habits as smoking, drinking alcohol (except for special occasions, birthdays, etc.). Do not spend money on factory-made medicines when you can get by with home care, herbal preparations and folk remedies. But don’t let your loved ones (and yours) feel unwell to the point where treatment will cost much more than if you caught it on time;
• buy unprocessed foods - meat, cereals, butter, vegetables and fruits. Everyone knows that the price of semi-finished products and sausages includes the cost of their manufacture. If you can cook homemade food all the time, be sure to do it for your loved ones, because this way you will save a lot of money that can be spent on the benefit of the family or saved for the future;
• fixing clothes and shoes whenever possible, learning how to do simple cosmetic procedures yourself, and not spending money on knick-knacks - this will help you stay within a budget. With the money you save, you can buy something worthwhile for your family, ennoble your home, or give yourself a modest piece of jewelry. So you will feel more satisfied than from a dozen small purchases that do not make you richer or happier.

“I want more freedom!”: how to find the golden mean

Many happy families recognize that some kind of outlet in life, a hobby, a hobby, perhaps communication with personal friends and girlfriends, and not just with mutual friends and relatives, helps them keep their marriage.

Make it a rule to respect each other's privacy. Resist the urge to secretly check your significant other's mobile or email. Such encroachments are unequivocally perceived as crossing the "red line" and even violence against a person. Groundless jealousy and suspicion must be cut in the bud.

A family, internally soldered by love and happiness,
there is a school of spiritual health, a balanced character,
creative entrepreneurship. In the space of people's life
she is like a blossoming flower.
I.A. Ilyin

There is a very remarkable place in Moscow. Once, my friends and I were walking through the Vodootvodny Canal to Kadashevskaya Embankment along the Luzhkov footbridge. And they saw that several artificial metal trees were installed on the bridge. These miracle plants were completely hung with locks and locks of various shapes and sizes. Starting from very miniature, Chinese, ending with heavy barn. On many locks, male and female names were written, hearts were drawn. It turns out that the newlyweds have a tradition: to hang "locks of love" on the Luzhkov Bridge, and throw the keys into the water. The Patriarchal Bridge across the Moscow River is decorated with the same locks. Moscow "Gormost" first cut the locks, but then, tired of fighting with lovers, installed special trees on the bridges so that the locks would not be hung on the railing.

Of course, such a custom is nothing more than a relic of paganism and primitive superstition, but it shows that all young spouses, of course, dream that their marriage, their joint love will be strong and indestructible, that once they have entered into a family union, they will no longer part never. And for this, it seems, nothing is needed at all: he locked the lock on the “bridge of love”, and threw the key into the river. Ah, if only it were that simple!

By modern standards, I got married very early - at 21. And like all young people, it seemed to me and my wife that everything would go easily and smoothly. What problems can there be? We chose each other, got married, we have love, all the hardest things are already behind us, then only the joy of joint communication and a trouble-free family life awaits us. But how wrong we were! More than once, in a sinful deed, I remembered the words that the apostles said to Christ in response to His instruction on marriage: “If such is the duty of a man to his wife, then it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19: 10). We had to go through considerable difficulties, to learn a lot, before we understood what family life is and how to master this difficult specialty.

And almost everyone follows this path - they fill bumps, learn from mistakes. And all why? We all think, out of youth, out of inexperience, that it is very easy to be a real family man, spouse or wife, and, as a rule, we begin to think about our family life only when serious problems already arise in the family. Family life is an art, no easier than any other. Starting to build your family is like starting a new business, learning a new profession. But, unlike the profession, they don’t teach spouses anywhere, you have to master everything yourself, empirically.

Courses for those who want to start a family or sort out their family life were organized by the Center for the Spiritual Development of Youth at the Danilovsky Monastery in Moscow. These courses are called "The Spiritual Foundations of Family Life and the Education of Children." Fathers and psychologists talk to young people on various topics and answer their questions. Your obedient servant also managed to participate a little in this matter, and I was very pleased with the serious attitude and interest in the family theme among young people. This is a very good undertaking, but it is a pity that only a very small number of people attend these courses. But, thank God, that at least someone understands: creating a family requires great skill and a responsible approach.

There are courses for young mothers, where women are taught how to behave during pregnancy and childbirth and then take care of the baby. But feeding, swaddling, bathing a child, giving him a massage is much easier than building the right relationship with your soul mate, being able to communicate, and then raising children (this is generally a separate and very difficult topic).

But you need to study, and I am very sorry that before marriage I had not read a single special book about the family - then it seemed to me that I already knew everything.

May I not be judged for being too didactic, for I want to set out some family rules: they help me in my family life, and I hope they will help someone else.

In a family, in marriage, one cannot do everything only on a whim, guided, as they say, by the heart and feelings; at least some basics you just need to know. It's good if we saw these principles of family relations in the family of our parents, grandparents, but what if not? If someone grew up in an incomplete family or did not see a good example in the person of their parents? Then there is only one way - to engage in self-education. But those who grew up in a strong friendly family also just need to constantly think about how to improve their family life, make it happier.

What is family? This is a small Church, where we serve God and neighbors, this is also “my house is my fortress” (“my house is my castle”), as they used to say in England in the Middle Ages. And a monastery in the world where we learn humility, patience and obedience and where there is always an incentive for spiritual growth.

I recall an episode from Vladimir Khotinenko's film "Pop", where the priest, father Alexander, says that he and his wife are very different people, with very different characters, and this helps him become better, fight his shortcomings, grind his sharp corners. He jokingly calls his mother "my grindstone."

Speaking of monasteries. In Rus', the monasteries also served as outposts, fortified fortresses. They guarded the borders of the Motherland, and within their walls the surrounding inhabitants could always find protection and help in the event of an attack by enemies. And of course, in every monastery there was a church, and not just one.

If a person has managed to create a family where he is loved, understood and expected, this gives him great protection, even in the most terrible and difficult circumstances of life. Even in separation from the family, the family man feels the help and protection of family ties.

Austrian psychotherapist Viktor Frankl went through all the horror of German concentration camps. And the only thing that helped him survive was faith in God and the idea that he needed to live at all costs in order to meet again with his wife, whom he loved very much. He spoke about his life in the camp in the wonderful book "Say Yes to Life". It describes the psychology of the prisoners very well, and many of these people survived only because they knew that somewhere out there, far away, there are relatives, close people who love and are waiting for you, and you need to continue to live in order to see them.

In order for our family to become a temple for us, a fortress that keeps us from all the hardships of life, it is worth working hard.

They talked about family happiness, that happiness is, first of all, the inner state of a person, “the Kingdom of God that has come inside you.” This is the threshold of paradise - the future "Kingdom of Heaven" - which should begin already here, in our soul and in our family. What is our earthly life? Preparation for eternal life. What state of mind a person reaches, with such he will go there. In the family we are not saved separately, here we perform our service: we are saved ourselves and help others to be saved. As St. Gregory the Theologian says, “being one flesh, (spouses) have one soul and with mutual love awaken in each other zeal for piety.” That's why:

Rule 1. Never forget the main thing. In all circumstances of life (and especially in difficult ones), we must remember that we live together not in order to find out who is right and who is wrong, or to re-educate each other, but in order to be saved together. Strive for peace, love and happiness.

Recently, one of the readers left a comment-question after an article about happiness: “Is a happy family possible when one of the spouses is unhappy?” No, my dears, of course, it is impossible, then it will not be family happiness, but something else. My family should be inseparable from me, only then it can be called happy. This is where the following rule comes from:

Rule 2. Family is WE. After 15 years of marriage, I discovered an interesting feature in myself. I no longer perceive myself without my family, separately from it. It already seems to me that my loved ones - my wife, children - have always been with me, almost from birth. Although, of course, I perfectly remember all the events of my childhood and youth, that is, the time when I was not yet a married person.

And it's not just my personal feelings. Other people told me the same thing, by the way, not always happy in family life. Why is it so? Whether we like it or not, we are no longer alone in the family, our life and our spiritual well-being are inseparable from the life of our loved ones. And their well-being depends on ours. If a person tries to live some kind of his own life, separate from the life of the family, then there will be no happiness in the family. In family life, you need to forget the pronoun "I" and, conversely, always remember another word - " We". Everything: having entered into marriage, I am no longer alone and must constantly think about how to make it good not only for me, but also us.

I know several couples where the couple went down a very dangerous path: seeing that their life together somehow did not add up, they began to live their own lives, just under one roof, even spending holidays separately. Each of them has found his own, more or less comfortable, niche in hobbies, in work or in something else, hid in it from adversity and somehow continues family existence. This, of course, is not a way out of family problems, but simply a way out of them, which usually ends in the breakup of the family.

And my acquaintances also did not find solace and peace, living an isolated life. All of them, at least, experienced the strongest mental discomfort. Because a family is only alive when We together.

Rule 3. Try to communicate more. Despite being very busy outside the home and doing many things at home, I find And those times for family communication. Communication is the foundation of a good relationship. Now many people are forced to work very hard to feed their families. But, no matter how tired you are at work, no matter how much you want to relax, unwind, disconnect in the evening, still find time to talk with loved ones, at least spend it less watching TV, at the computer or long phone calls. You won't regret it. A huge number of married couples broke up simply because the spouses almost stopped communicating.

Archpriest Sylvester's well-known book "Domostroy" can be treated differently, but this monument of ancient Russian literature of the 16th century contains a lot of wise advice, including those related to marital communication. For example, spouses are encouraged to eat food together: “But it’s not good for a husband and wife to have breakfast separately, unless someone is sick; eat and drink always at the right time. A meal is a time when the family got together and it was possible to discuss current affairs. Elsewhere in the Domostroy it is also said: “The master should consult with his wife about all household matters ...” Just about this is another rule.

Rule 4. Discuss pressing issues. Make important decisions together. I was convinced from my own experience that when you “speak out” a problem, discuss it, ask the opinions and advice of others, you always manage to make a more balanced and correct decision, especially when it comes to a matter that is important for the whole family. If you ask for advice, it means you respect it, and this always disposes, serves to strengthen family relations. In addition, the other person sees the problem from a different angle and may notice something that you did not pay attention to. When communicating, you need to discuss not only important matters, but also any issues that interest you.

Rule 5. Respect each other. When I told one woman that you need to respect your husband, she objected to me: her husband does not like this word. He somehow, in response to her words about mutual respect, threw a remark: “What, are we alcoholics or something, to respect each other?” Well, well, a person does not like the word "respect", there is another wonderful word - "revere". And not only the wife should show her husband daily respect as her head, but the husband is also obliged to honor the spouse, treat her with care - as a more fragile, tender, weak being. Honor in it the priceless image of God and appreciate it as a gift given by God Himself. And, of course, children should honor their parents, and parents should treat their children with respect.

Do we want our loved ones to treat us well, respect us, listen to our words? Let us ourselves be the first to give them an example of such an attitude. As they say in the same Domostroy, to teach by "exemplary instruction."

Rule 6. Do not try to remake, re-educate your soul mate. To be able to see the good, bright sides of your loved ones and your family life. Women (and even men) often come to me who are very dissatisfied with the behavior of their loved ones and their family life in general. I will not give specific examples here, I will better analyze them later, when we get to the questions and answers. As a rule, all these people see their life as hopeless, gloomy and devoid of any joy. In their loved ones, they also no longer notice anything good. After listening to their long stories, I usually try to find out by leading questions: what is still good, positive left in their family life? And then, again with their help, I help paint a completely different picture. And it turns out that the people around them are very good, and there are a lot of bright, pleasant moments in life, you just need to be able to see it all. Sometimes it turns out to help people take a fresh look at their family situation. It is very important to see the positive aspects of your loved ones and try to change not the people themselves, but the attitude towards them and with them.

Rule 7. Do not give vent to anger and other negative emotions. An angry person is always wrong. Anyone understands that irritability, anger, quarrels destroy good relationships. But anger also does not solve any problem. Because in anger it is almost impossible for a person to make the right decision: his mind is clouded. “During anger one should neither speak nor act,” said Pythagoras. And all serious conversations should be conducted only in a calm state of mind.

Misunderstandings, insults should not be “salted”, but should be able to discuss, calmly and without irritation. We are all different, and contradictions in marriage are inevitable, but when spouses look for a solution together with love, without anger, you can always come to an agreement and compromise.

As for other negative emotions - despondency, melancholy, sadness, and others, it should be remembered that in marriage they poison life not only for ourselves, but for our entire family. Not only are we personally tormented by these passions, but our relatives and friends suffer because of us. And at least for their sake, you need to fight with your passions.

Rule 8. Please your family more often. This rule is in contrast to the previous one - about anger, irritation and melancholy. The modern layman is surrounded by negative, frightening information: murders, accidents, disasters, just a mess in the country ... And how good it is if we get positive emotions in the family. Is it really difficult at least a couple of times a day to tell each other something good, to share pleasant impressions? A word of affection, gratitude, said in the morning, can improve your mood for the whole day. Mother and I agreed to thank each other even for the most ordinary things: washed dishes, food bought at the market, or a swept floor. And, I must say, simple words of gratitude, spoken several times a day, have a very beneficial effect on the atmosphere in the family. Some wise man said: “Joy experienced together is doubled, and grief already becomes half of grief.”

Rule 9. In every family, each member, as a rule, has his own responsibilities. Of course, these duties must be performed well, but there are times when the help of loved ones is required. And the authority of even the most venerable academician will not fall if he helps his wife: he vacuums the carpet while she prepares dinner for the arrival of guests. If there is no mutual assistance in the family, it may turn out, as in one oriental parable. Husband and wife strictly assigned responsibilities. The wife is responsible for everything inside the house, and the husband for everything outside the house. And when a fire broke out in the house, the husband did not run to help his wife, and the house burned to the ground.

Mutual help also consists in prayer. “Pray for one another…” (James 5:16), says the Apostle James.

Here are some principles of a good family life. Someone, after reading all this, of course, can say: “The most important thing in marriage is love, but where is it here? One continuous rules, instructions, recipes. And love is here in every paragraph. Because it just manifests itself in overcoming selfishness, in mutual respect, in the desire for communication, indulgence and forgiveness of shortcomings, in the fight against one's passions for the sake of loved ones. And without love, or at least the desire for it, it will be unbearably difficult to fulfill these rules, and on the contrary, for those who love, they will not be a burden, but a help.

(To be continued.)

Discuss these rules at the family council and begin to follow them. And be sure: your experiment to create a happy family is doomed to success!

Family relationships are the most important

Now many brides are looking for a successful groom: absorbed in work, career, making money. And you need to look for a man who will be absorbed by his woman! Work and career will follow if a man has the support of his beloved behind his back. And work, and friends, and hobbies - all this should not be the main thing on the list of priorities for both the wife and the husband. The main thing is, interest in each other and fullness with each other. If both spouses recognize each other as the highest value, then their family will certainly be happy.

No one owes nothing to nobody

The family will be happy only if all the duties that are distributed among its members, they take on voluntarily, and not "under duress." How to organize it?

First, to distribute affairs according to desire and inclination.

Secondly, not to stand over the soul, demanding the fulfillment of them at a strictly defined moment and in a strictly stipulated way, but to provide freedom in this.

Thirdly, it is important to praise and thank everyone for everything that everyone does for the family. Only then will the wife cook to please her loved ones, and the husband will maintain the house in order to earn the admiration of the household. No demands - only affectionate requests, no criticism - only praise!

Spouses for each other first of all - a man and a woman

Harmonious relations between men and women are always built on physical attraction to each other and spiritual intimacy. At different times of the relationship, these are different: in the period of falling in love, physical attraction is more important, in mature spouses, spiritual intimacy dominates. The main thing is to remain attractive and desirable for each other. And this means: take care of yourself, your appearance; try to be an interesting interlocutor - to expand the circle of your hobbies; find pleasure in pleasing your soul mate with pleasant deeds and unexpected surprises.

Everyone does what they want

The family will be happy if no one forces them to give up their interests and desires for the sake of other people's interests and desires. If the husband is going to the football game, and the wife has planned a trip to the theater on the same day, then why don't they go in different directions to do what the soul asks for? Only the understanding that all family members are free in their choice, that they have the right to do as they please, makes everyone happy. And if there is happiness in the family, then its members will not want to part with each other, which means that there will be more joint affairs, projects and entertainment than individual ones.

destructive habits

habit of criticizing. The person being criticized experiences stress and discomfort. If you love your loved ones, try to keep criticism to a minimum. Don't pick on the little things.

The habit of pulling the blanket over yourself. It is so intended by nature that the man in the pair is the leader, and the woman is his support and support. In families where such role constellations are violated, unhealthy relationships arise, which can ultimately lead to collapse. It is important for a wife to learn to be feminine and wise: to give her husband the role of leader, protector and breadwinner.

The habit of going with the flow. When a couple is going through a candy-bouquet period, each tries to please the other with their appearance, gifts and surprises. Over time, romance fades into the background, and the spouses slowly begin to look around in search of the lost. Don't let this happen!

We all dream of love and cloudless happiness. From childhood, we were read books about how a handsome prince came to the castle, saved the beautiful princess, and ... they lived happily ever after! But at the most interesting place, the fairy tale ended all the time. How to create a happy family so that it is the most “happily ever after”? When marrying a handsome prince, many are surprised to find that a beautiful fairy tale about family life is actually not such a fairy tale, but everyday work and work!

So how do you create a happy family? What to do and how to behave correctly in order to achieve the desired harmony and build a strong home? How to be happy in the family not only yourself, but also to make your partner happy? Usually everyone himself comprehends the secrets of strong family ties by trial and error. So that you have as few of these mistakes in life as possible, we will share a couple of our recommendations.

1. Understanding. “There are two opinions: mine and wrong” - such a strategy is not for family life! You always need to remember that next to you is a completely different person with their own interests, habits and outlook on life. Listen carefully to your loved one. In any conflict, try to look at the situation from the opposite side, (male) and then many unnecessary quarrels can be prevented!
2. The art of compromise. Women, alas, often tend to be stubborn. During the next quarrel, think: do I want to be right or happy? If you are really concerned about the question of how to make a marriage happy, then remember: a wise woman will always give in and listen to the opinion of her husband. If you are attentive to the interests of your beloved, then he will more often meet you halfway. Putting the opinion of a man in the first place, you get an ally in your team who will definitely thank you with a warm word, love and increased attention.
3. Right Values. Often scandals can be born because of minor trifles: a broken cup, unwashed dishes ... But is it really worth it to sow negativity in the family and be offended by a loved one? Always put harmony and happiness in the first place, be more tolerant of everything else. Any situation can be discussed and a common solution can be reached if both partners communicate not in the language of claims and mutual insults, but with deep respect and love.
4. Respect. At the first stages of acquaintance, lovers try to appear in front of each other in a favorable light; they are very polite and caring. But after months and years of family life together, a loved one becomes a matter of course, and we allow ourselves to treat him not very respectfully: not to listen somewhere, but somewhere to be rude or shout. Which, of course, is not very right and, ultimately, slowly but surely destroys the relationship. Do not let yourself get used to each other and get annoyed over trifles, try every day to see and find the virtues and talents of your loved one, emphasizing them out loud at any opportunity.

   

5. Keep your individuality. In the routine of family life, we often forget about ourselves. We abandon hobbies, career races, friends and, worst of all, appearance. When the center of a woman's world shifts to the family, this is not the most pleasant sight. How to make a family happy? Certainly not by his round-the-clock presence in the apartment! Never forget about yourself and do not focus only on your husband and children. Stay beautiful and well-groomed, spend time with friends, read and develop! Always remain the mysterious beautiful lady that your man once fell in love with!
6. . It is always a stumbling block and an active subject of disputes and quarrels. Agree in advance on the distribution of money in the family. Who earns how much, how will you distribute your income: how much do you save for food, for vacation, and how much is left for entertainment. The budget must have an item for your personal expenses and pleasant little things for women. Remember point 3 about the right values ​​and priorities: do not allow yourself to quarrel and ruin mutual relations because of simple pieces of paper.
7. Leisure. Couples like to spend all their free time together, especially for women. But you should not limit the freedom of a man and his meetings with friends. Let him rest more often separately from you, and you will be surprised how much the quality of your family life will change! Days spent around the clock together are not appreciated and sooner or later turn into a routine, fatigue from each other, eventually developing into claims and reproaches ... How to become a happy couple - spend time away from each other! No matter how well you complement each other, sometimes it is really necessary! During such a "weekend" you will not only have time to get bored, but also at a meeting you will be able to exchange new impressions and interesting news.
8. Friendship. The best family relationships are built on strong friendships. When you accept each other for who you are, you are not afraid to share any secrets with your partner. You always know: no matter what happens, a loved one is waiting for you at home, a strong shoulder that will support you in any situation and will always be on your side. Agree, there is nothing more pleasant than this feeling! If your relationship is still far from such, start with yourself and become such a true friend to your husband! Learn to listen carefully to your spouse, without remarks, reproaches and insults. Encourage all ideas and undertakings, believe in him and his rightness! Sometimes it can be very difficult, but without this it is almost impossible to build a full-fledged strong family and relationships.
9. Joint plans. Make sure that you and your husband have a common vision of the picture of your future life. Sit down and think together about how to make your marriage happy for both of you. Dream about in which country and in which house you want to live, how many children you will have, what you will do. Set big ambitious goals together that will unite you for many, many years to come.

First, let's mentally imagine one of the extreme options - let a person try to live in a family, guided only by the principle of freedom - "I want." At the same time, for simplicity of reasoning, let's assume a situation favorable for him - he loves his wife, and she has a gentle character. Now let's imagine not a romantic idealized life, as it may seem to a 16-year-old boy, but a real one - with illnesses, difficulties, poor health, troubles at work, etc. And in all these difficulties, with which the life of almost every person is full, our "hero" will do only as he wants: if he wants - he will help his wife, if he does not want - he will not help. At first, her love and gentle nature will help maintain their relationship, but then what? How long can a woman love her husband without seeing him as a protector, a support, a knight capable of courageously enduring hardships for the sake of the woman she loves? All world experience (and theory too) shows that a woman can love strongly and for a long time only a man with a masculine character, the mandatory attributes of which are a strong will, the ability to easily endure any hardships, and a willingness to help the weak. Kindness, intelligence and masculinity are absolutely necessary for a man! The absence of these characteristic masculine traits will lead to the fact that the wife will begin to see a sexless creature in her husband, despite any outward signs of masculinity - luxurious muscles, mustaches, a booming voice or confident demeanor. So love will end; How much joy will this bring to our "hero"?

* Let's take the next extreme option - to be guided in the family only by the word "Must". Too bad! After all, they marry for joy! And what joy can there be if one has to fulfill one's duty sometimes in a state of illness, despondency, fatigue? How long will the feeling of love remain romantic with constantly growing irritation against your spouse, to whom you owe something all the time?

* Let's think: maybe the very formulation of the question, which requires living according to only one of these principles, is wrong? At the same time, it is difficult to be guided by both principles at the same time: even if it is determined in advance by mutual agreement what the spouse is free to do as he wants, and what - out of duty - the problem is still not removed, because life is unusually dynamic, new situations constantly arise, about which we have not yet managed to agree! And again - irritation with each other, misunderstanding, quarrels, and ... the extinction of love!

* Where is the exit? After all, of course, it exists, since there are happy married couples who have carried love through many years! The extremely small number of such pairs, obviously, speaks of only one thing - they have some special, rare quality. What is this quality? The capacity for insane passion? But at first, passion accompanies many novice couples, and only a few are happy after a few years! Perhaps this is a rare quality of rationalism, precise calculation? It doesn’t work either, because real joy in love is impossible without strong feelings, which often overshadow the mind!

* I believe that the secret is in the special culture of these happy people! Let me explain my thought. Humanity has long discovered the presence of two very similar, but essentially different feelings - falling in love and love. The first of them can be insanely strong, dizzying, but this feeling is for oneself, it is selfish! Its essence is in the desire to possess another person - beautiful, smart, kind, etc. And the essence of love is in the desire to give! The vectors of these feelings are opposite! (By the way, in a harmonious, healthy human love, these two principles exist simultaneously). In most cases, people confuse these feelings, causing countless problems and tragedies. By the way, if a young man wants to be guided only by desires, then maybe he is a good person, but still very emotionally immature. For love, he still takes only his desire to be loved. On the other hand, it can be understood: the very fact that the wife expects him to fulfill some duty indicates that she does not have an infinite feeling for him. Indeed, any duty imposed from outside is perceived by any person with irritation.

* When you truly love a person, then there is an irresistible desire to bring him happiness. There is no question - do you "want" to do something for him or "should". These two beginnings, two words merge in an imperceptible and miraculous way and form a completely new union: when I have to, not by external compulsion, but by an internal hot impulse, then the word "must" becomes the word "I want"!

* Psychologists have discovered that only a person who is generally endowed with the ability to love people can love like that, sees great value in every person. ©